Wabi

CrossFit and kids.....LOVE the idea that our little mini mes are seeing us taking care of our bodies, valuing our health and living a life of fitness.  But what happens when the gym becomes a dangerous place to be?

It was just under a week ago that W and I had our first CrossFit related should'a, could'a, would'a parental moment.  Up until now our children's interactions with all things fitness had been relatively positive.  It all happened during a normal weekend morning at the gym.  She should'a been wearing her shoes, I could'a told her to leave the weights alone, If I just would'a taught her how to be more careful when she was around the equipment.

It was one of those accidents that could have been prevented.  One of those moments that you wish you had just done something, anything, differently.  A day that ended with regret and guilt.   Our little lady was lucky, she wasn't hurt as seriously as she could have been.   It literally happened within a split second; J Dawg, ironically, stubbed his toe, his older sister came over to see if he was OK, she leaned against the plate rack and dropped a 10 lbs metal plate square on the big toe of her right foot.  I was busy consoling the little man and her dad was across the room packing up our bags.  It was the blood curdling scream that came next that drew attention of the remaining gym goers as they gathered up their belongings to head home.  It was Fancy Nancy who got to her first and scooped up my hysterically screaming child and carried her straight to the bathroom.  The blood gushed, M wailed and I did not realize the severity of the injury until W pronounced:  "We need to take her in to the hospital." I didn't know how bad it was.  I never saw it.  By the time she was in my arms and we were rushing to the truck her foot was wrapped haphazardly in a grey gym rag that was quickly getting spotted with dark red blood.  Sitting squished between two booster seats in the back I held her foot as she incoherently babbled about the pain and W sped us to the emergency room.  We were quickly checked in and then we waited.  I still hadn't seen the damage that the weight had caused.   And when we finally were given a bed in minor treatment and the nurse removed the rag, it became apparent that this was not going to be a simple bandage and go type job. 

It was during our wait that little Miss M showed her true colours in the face of such an upsetting moment; her strength, her big heart, her brave resolve and even a little of her developing sense of humour.   After receiving three painful needles that froze her foot, she got the thrill of her first ride in a wheel chair and an x ray to determine the damage done to the bones of her toe.  It was determined that there was no major break but our little lady was to permanently lose her toe nail.  The weight had hit her foot in such a way that it basically "blew up" her toe , causing the root of the nail to come loose and gashing her skin so deep it was close to the bone.  After all was said and done they extracted the nail, stitched her up, gave an antibiotic and hefty bandage and sent us on our way.

Since we left the hospital my mind has been on the lost nail, vain yes, but it is true.  The young EMT student that took M's vitals when we first checked in called it her "wabi".  A Japanese word for a characteristic that makes us beautifully unique.  Sometimes translated as flawed beauty.  He said his was his nose, now Morgs is her big nail-less toe and I guess mine would be my cleft lip scar.  Wabi. 

As an adult we tend to embrace and celebrate what makes us different and unique.  But as many of us can recall that isn't always the case.  As young children and teenagers it is not as easy to accept our physical idiosyncrasies, it can sometimes be a challenge to covet our "wabi".  It wasn't until my early 20s that I realized I had finally made peace with mine.  During my University graduation photo shoot the photographer was showing me my proofs, he suggested that we airbrush out my scar on my lip.  I was offended, how would my face look if I didn't have my scar? I had always had my scar, its part of who I was. I had a cleft lip, a genetic abnormality that changed the shape of my face.   Sure airbrush the hell out of my adult on set acne but my scar? No way.  It is how I look, its a tell of what I have been through.  Kids are mean and any kind of difference seems to be fair game so I was bullied, mocked and teased, because of my lip. But it wasn't until that point years later that I felt protective and proud of what made me, me.  And just like that without realizing it I had accepted something that haunted me throughout my teen years.

I wouldn't mind if she brought
him home for Christmas:)

Looking back as a 30 year old adult I know that it has to do with a bully's own insecurities, about them wanting to fit in, and creating feelings of superiority because of their own inferiority.  But as a young woman it was devastating and hard to understand why I was being picked on.  This is what I worry for my own daughter.  Did my negligence during a routine day at the gym set in motion a chain of events that might alter how she and others see her? Will others notice her "abnormal" toe? Will they care? Will she care? Did she inherit my own thin skin? Or will she believe in herself and in me and her dad when we say it is just one more thing we love about her?  Will she embrace her wabi?

She is quickly getting back to her normal self, even forgetting the cumbersome bandage that marks her injured foot as she chases her brother around the house.  As of right now the lost toe nail seems to be of little concern.  And I wonder if it will ever really matter especially when you are as tough as a million toe nails like she is?

Ride that pony....

Sigh. 

My summer  has been spent like all good summers should be spent; consuming all things trash.  I am not embarrassed to fess up.  I am not too proud to tell the world.  I have done nothing but watch and read smut.  Pure, dirty smut!    Frankly I didn't want to miss out, I didn't want to be the only one who hadn't scoured the shelves at Walmart for ALL three copies of 50 Shades of Grey or be the gal who missed the ridiculously long line anxiously waiting with the rest of the female population for the men of Xquiste to burst onto the screen.   Giddily I have spent more than a few hours pouring over the steamy pages that detail the exploits of the very controlling Mr. Grey and his extremely naive "employee" Miss Steele.  I also gladly paid full price to watch possibly the worst film I have ever seen, just to catch a glimpse of Magic Mike ride the heck out of that pony. No regrets here, best summer EVER!

The most disturbing part of it all is not that I enjoy the nature of the books or found the "character development" of the film gripping, it was that during some of the most explicit scenes in both of these soon to be "classics" I couldn't help but think about anything other than CrossFit.  I know, while a half naked Channing Tatum is grinding, thrusting and removing his clothes I am thinking about CrossFit.  I can hear you and you are 100% right, I need help!

But in all seriousness, think about it.  If Anastasia spent a little more time at the local CF box and a little less time analyzing her extremely dysfunctional relationship then she would be able to keep up with the crazy bastard. Had she taken part in the CrossFit Open and had to complete seven minutes of burpees then maybe Miss Steele would know what it felt like to hang in there and finish strong, even when she thought she couldn't go on any longer.  Grip strength, dead hang pull ups...heck kipping pull ups, handstand pushups, squats, box jumps...a few of the more popular CF movements that would probably come in handy for Mike and Dallas as they dazzle the ladies with their talents on centre stage.  Maybe Adam would have been able to deal with the pressure of having to perform each and every night had he spent some time getting to know Rippetoe and how mentally demanding it can be to lift heavy every time you grab that bar. 

Just like so many people in the general population, if all these characters just began to Crossfit I would think they would be able to "handle" the demands of their lifestyles so much better.

Something has been missing...

Without feeling like I am listing the 101 reasons I haven't been living the CF life I will just say that after a long and complicated May and June, I finally made my way back to the box this past week and it was mid burpee that I had an epiphany: I LOVE CrossFit, I MISS CrossFit, I NEED CrossFit.  For anyone who ever struggled to start and stick with an exercise routine they can relate to how I felt.  CrossFit was losing its appeal, I wasn't feeling as excited as I once did about working out and it was getting stale.  I was still following a strength program, WOD'ing regularly, typically just doing the workouts posted on Ignite's main page and doing my best to eat as paleo as I could, truth it was more as paleo as I wanted to :).  But the spark was gone.  The magic had faded.  What had changed? Something must have been missing?

And it wasn't until spending last Wednesday sweating through Special K's very "special" birthday WOD with a few of my very favourite CF Red Deer mommas and one special Ignite dad that I was reminded of what made CrossFit so unique compared to other workout regimes that I had tried and failed to maintain.    It's the people, the conversations and the relationships that fuel my love affair.  It's the momma who finishes her WOD before you, picking herself up off the floor and coming over to scoop up your screaming son to wipe away his tears. It's knowing each others birthdays and celebrating with a disgustingly ridiculous WOD.  It's the warm up that takes way too long because the conversation is way too good.   Sure the workouts have whipped my soft, weak body into shape but it was the connections I was making to the people that whipped my life into order.   Trudging through workouts alone in the garage is more convenient and definitely easier for the little people in my life but its the community of people that has made CrossFit something more than just a workout.  I am realizing that if I am going to maintain the CF lifestyle that I am so keen on doing then I need to foster what makes it so special and make a conscious effort to be part of a community that has given me so much.   

Two is better than one

I am starting to understand how valuable it is to have a partner who is interested in the same things you are, a companion by your side navigating through life on the same wavelength, working towards common goals.  This is true in so many facets of our lives but especially when it comes to pursuing a healthier lifestyle.   Take someone like myself, struggling to find her groove at the box, my main man's "gentle" nudge to tag along as he soldiers on with a new intense training program has proved to be a valuable motivator on days that I would rather curl up with Mr. Grey and read about all 50 of his shades.   And much like Mr Grey has learned through his "relationship" with Miss Steele, that unless you and your companion want the same things out of life it can be rather....um....difficult to pursue your...um ...interests. Ok its a loose metaphor but OMG have you read that book!?!?!?! That guy is wild! 50 shades of something! I digress...

I have been fortunate enough to have a guy by my side who has encouraged my journey to explore a more healthy me.  W has been the kind of partner that ties up his shoelaces and hits the gym with me instead of the guy who drops you off and picks you up an hour later.  He has been a partner that happily digs in to that sugar free paleo apple crumble rather than sitting on the couch eating the bucket of Ben and Jerrys 1000 flavours. This is the type of partner a "lost" CrossFitter, like myself is in desperate need of. 

What is becoming so very clear is that not everyone is as lucky as I.  To be quite honest, if W did not support my working out then it would be more difficult to fit it into my hectic day.   It's no coincidence that most of the women that I have meet that CrossFit have a partner who is also an avid firebreather .  I am also starting to see how easy it is to "let yourself go" and make excuses for your inactivity if you have a partner who does that same thing.

It makes a person think about the "what if?"and the "where would I be?" and ultimately the "thank god!". 

Wondering where I went....

.....I was starting to wonder the same thing! But tonight, finally, I think I am clawing my way back.  W is out of town for work, so after tucking the kids into bed, cleaning up the dishes and watching New Directions win Nationals on Glee, I made a decision.  No more excuses.  I laced up my shoes, headed out to my garage,  loaded up the bar, channeled my inner Rippetoe and gave it a go.  It felt good, it felt cathartic and I realized how much I missed the feeling I get when I am out there working out. 

Exercise has lots of value.  I know that.  But what I didn't realize is how important working out was becoming to me and my mental state.  Exercising, specifically lifting, gives me a sense of control over my body and helps me quiet my mind for a precious few minutes that I am in the moment.  All the days worries and stresses seem to melt away just long enough to get down to business.  The power that CrossFit has given me extends way beyond my body weight deadlift. It has given me power over my roller coaster of emotions and the ups and downs of everyday life. The mental strength that lifting heavy, powering through a long WOD or having the patience to learn new skill after new skill has been invaluable.  

During my post FRAN hiatus the mommy induced rage was quicker to make an unscheduled appearance, my husbands ill timed attempts at humour were meet with angry disdain rather than a witty comeback and I was starting to seek out the drama wherever I could find it.  It was when I recognised these parts of my old self reappearing that I knew it was time to get back at it.    I underestimated how good it was to have to clear your thoughts and just focus on what was in front of you.  During my break I forgot how important and powerful it is to spend a little time with myself having positive pep talks, thinking of nothing else but the task at hand and just taking time to take a big deep breath. 

CrossFit has been by far the best therapy a crazy drama queen like myself can get.  Hmmmmm...CrossFit Therapy.....I wonder if there is a cert for that?

http://thatbearsrepeating.com/?attachment_id=192

   

Did I jump the gun?

I should have called this blog....listen to me gripe and groan about my lack of motivation while I search for a reason to CrossFit again.......

Maybe I wasn't ready to start this over again?

When I begin to create my new blog, I focused on making it pretty, worried about how it would look and spent time coming up with a catchy title before really investigating what I wanted to do after my dance with Fran.  And just like that I was back to who I was before, a person who worried about aesthetics rather than her performance.  I thought that by putting myself directly back into cyber space in a nice little package that the extrinsic motivation would be enough to kick me back into gear.

It wasn't until a few days later when staring at the screen of my computer I hit my first road block. I had nothing to write about.   Its hard to write about living a CrossFit life if quite frankly you haven't been.  Its been 10 days since I promised myself to start another journey, 10 days since I thought it would be easier to continue on after my short hiatus.  10 days since I told myself that I didn't need a specific goal that I could just do this because I knew it was good for me.   10 days and my effort to live a CrossFit life has been pretty lack lustre.  

Where had my drive and passion gone? Would it come back? What will it take to get back on the wagon?   I am starting to worry that the magic I found with Fran was a one time deal and I won't be able to re mix that fantastic formula that drove me to achieve my goal.  There seems to be a lot more questions than answers and with so many unknowns it makes me nervous that I won't be able to follow through. 

Lets just hope that these April showers bring more than just May flowers!!!

A CrossFit Life

There are people out there that just CrossFit for the heck of it.  I know its pretty hard core stuff to just do because spin class was full at the YMCA.   I am not one of these people.  I have never just worked out just 'cause.  I have never just taken an exercise class for fun or bought a gym membership because it sounded like something I was interested in doing in my spare time.    The elliptical heavy, weight watcher days of my past were not because I wanted to better my life and give myself the gift of lifelong health and wellness.  No these hour long gym sessions filled with endless machine bicep curls and bosu ball crunches were because I didn't want back fat in my wedding dress.  Because I wanted to look good in a two piece bathing suit while basking in the sun on my honeymoon.  Let's be honest most recently because I wanted to look as good as the other moms wearing their pre baby jeans two short months after having baby.  Then I found CrossFit and FRAN.  The training I did for FRAN was the first time I had ever worked out to improve my performance instead of my appearance.  Funny thing was I never looked better!  And I had never stuck with a fitness/diet plan that long either!    Coincidence?

After focusing so intensely for such a long period of my time on my goal to complete FRAN prescribed I find that I am struggling to "get back at it".  Without a clear defined performance goal, a carrot dangling in front of my face, I just can't seem to find my motivation for working out or eating well. I lost interest in my blogging, I fell off the paleo wagon.....let me rephrase that, I JUMPED head first off the paleo wagon into a big bowl of Ben and Jerry's 1000 flavour ice cream and haven't looked back for almost two weeks.  I have gained weight, potentially all water from the carb overload, my mood has been iffy, I am tired and lazy and the few times I have worked out, it has been ugly, slow and uninspired.

Without a clear defined goal that focuses on my performance as an "athlete" (I use the term loosely:) I wonder if CrossFit will ever be the same?  Will I slip back into my old habits and lose what I have worked so hard for?

That is not what I want.  My goal hangover has gone on too long.  Its time to figure out how to put all the things I learned from my year with FRAN to good use.  Its time to figure out how to live a CrossFit Life.  Its time to do; As Many Rounds As Possible: Living well, Laughing often and Loving as much as I can.  

Stick with me......